Setting: Front of a Beach Establishment
Number in Cast: 1 woman, 2 men
Length: 10 minutes
Roving reporter Ruth Bluestein is on location looking for a Santa Claus who continually eludes her. Yet, Ruth still has much to say about Santa, the holiday, and good Jewish girls.
This is Shepherd Germain with WFMB bringing you breaking news. In an extraordinary turn of events, Santa has left the North Pole. His exact whereabouts are currently unknown, but we take you now to our roving reporter, Ruth Bluestein, live from Fort Myers Beach. Ruth, tell us what you have discovered.
Hello? Is this thing working? They expect me to do a live broadcast with faulty equipment? Oy Vey!
Ruth, we can hear you. And see you.
Ohhhh. Well hello everybody. It’s so nice to talk to you. Yes, Shep, I’ve been on Santa’s trail all morning and I gotta tell ya – for a man some might call hefty, he gets around. Insiders tell us that Santa has been seen eating breakfast at The Heavenly Biscuit.
Santa enters stage left and, unbeknownst to Ruth, passes behind her.
He's wearing red Bermuda shorts, a tee shirt, sandals, and his Santa hat.
He's also eating a biscuit. He exits stage right.
We missed him but, really, would it kill them to put an onion bagel on the menu. Why is everything biscuits? I don’t get it…
Ah…Ruth, can we focus on Santa?
Shep! This ain’t an easy job. I need nourishment. Anyway, we then picked up Santa’s trail at The Surf Club. Rumor has it that Santa and the owner of the Surf Club – a Mr. Bruce Cermak – have been meeting behind closed doors. Mr. Cermak agreed to speak with me but he himmed. He hawed. And I couldn’t get a thing outta him except a basket of homemade potato chips. They were delicious but clearly a diversionary tactic.
Santa enters stage right with a basket of chips and again passes behind an oblivious Ruth. He exits stage left.
And…we missed Santa.
But, fingerprints left on the glass of his unfinished Mai Tai confirm that Santa was indeed there. I know mai tais are very tropical. My Aunt Norma used to drink them at the Waldorf Astoria the third Sunday of every month with her father, but I woulda pegged Santa for something more frosty – like a pina colada.
Santa enters stage left with a tropical drink. At center stage he begins dancing. He exits stage right as Ruth still misses him.
(touches the mic in her ear)
Shep, honey, ya interrupting me. Now behind me is the Lani Kai where my sources say Santa likes to spend his afternoons. I think I’ve missed him again...
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